It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize