Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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