i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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