I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
