To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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