Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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