we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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