Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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