some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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