Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
