You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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