I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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