I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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