you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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