it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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