and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize