We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
