look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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