i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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