just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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