I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize