Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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