Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
