life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
