On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
