Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize