fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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