Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
