I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
