I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
