god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize