come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
