pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
