It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
