When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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