i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
