Tell her she can't have a vagina
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
