She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
