you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
