i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
