i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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