what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
