Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
