I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
