im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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