I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I checked into jail on foursquare
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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