god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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