Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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