9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
