If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
