I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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