I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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