i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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