I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
