at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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