life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
