Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
